Can money and relationships go hand in hand?

Those of you who have been in a relationship for a significant amount of time will know that money can be a source of friction. Rather than ignoring the issue, it is important to find a compromise on how the two of you manage your household budget. The first step in this regard often involves identifying the root cause of these tensions. myLIFE can help you to better manage these financial disputes, which all too often get in the way of household harmony.

When a relationship is new and fresh, a passionate young couple might think they can get by on love alone. But when the bills start flooding in and there is not enough money to satisfy everyone’s wants and needs, tensions can quickly arise. Money plays a complex role in the dynamics of a relationship, and recurring financial disagreements can damage or even destroy a relationship that once seemed solid. Why? Because money in itself is a means to an end, and the way it is managed reveals what each of us really values and pursues deep down inside. It brings to the surface differences that the couple were not always aware of and which they must now address. So with that in mind, financial discussions, however heated, do not need to be seen as a bad thing provided they address the real causes of disagreement and lead to good compromises.

Lively financial discussions between couples are not inherently bad as long as they focus on the real causes of disagreement and lead to good compromises.

A study carried out in 2023 by J. Peetz, Z. Meloff and C. Royle analysed several hundred discussions on Reddit relating to arguments between couples. The results showed that disagreements over money generally expose deeper rifts relating to differences in values, feelings of injustice and inequity, or the distribution of responsibilities when it comes to managing the couple’s finances.

These issues become particularly heightened in cases where spouses are not contributing equally to the household budget. Even with the traditional family model long since becoming a thing of the past in today’s society, this situation remains commonplace in a world where professional careers are becoming less and less linear, particularly for women who want to have children.

While some couples cope well with this unequal contribution to the household budget, others may not, especially when you have a situation where one partner makes most financial decisions without consulting or agreeing upon them with the other. A toxic sense of guilt felt by the partner who does not contribute as much to the budget can also undermine efforts to ensure joint budget management runs smoothly. In either case, arguments about money can mask deeper differences between couples.

Are you experiencing tensions surrounding money in your relationship? It is essential to identify the cause of your disagreement so that you can put the problem into words and find a mutually acceptable solution. To help you do this, let’s take a look at nine possible sources of unease and tension around money in your relationship.

It is essential to identify the cause of your disagreement so that you can put the problem into words and find a mutually acceptable solution.

Identifying the root cause of the conflict

Perceived lack of responsibility

Tensions arise when one partner is seen by the other as careless or short-sighted when it comes to money. Be it not planning for the future, impulse buying, or having insufficient savings / unnecessary debt – financial irresponsibility can be perceived as a betrayal of trust within a relationship.

Unilateral decisions

These are situations where one of the partners feels excluded when it comes to financial planning or decision making. This does not necessarily mean hiding or lying about expenses; rather, it can also include making major purchases without consultation or adopting financial behaviours (such as gambling) without mutual consent that then have an impact on the couple’s finances. Unilateral decisions undermine transparency and are perceived as a lack of consideration for others.

Financial values and money management

Disagreements can arise when there are fundamental differences within a relationship regarding financial priorities and beliefs. How important is money, what percentage should go towards savings, how much weighting should be given to each budget category? In reality, the friction that arises from differences of opinion on these issues is a sign of deeper discrepancies concerning each other’s life goals. It is these discrepancies that need to be harmonised before you can really alleviate the pressure on your finances.

Problems relating to employment or income

This includes concerns about loss of employment or income inequality within a relationship as well as the financial impact of each other’s career decisions (e.g. wanting to move from full-time to part-time work or switching to a much less lucrative industry). External economic pressures and personal career paths can become sources of conflict for a couple when they upset the existing financial balance or jeopardise future plans.

Living expenses

This pertains to financial disagreements over day-to-day expenses (children, car, furnishings, garden, etc.). While it is normal for there to be minor disagreements when it comes to managing day-to-day expenses, the frequency of arguments on this subject is a good indicator of whether or not it might be necessary for a couple to clarify each other’s priorities and reach a new status quo. Do not underestimate these small disagreements – they can be incredibly damaging if not dealt with properly.

Exceptional expenses

Here, disagreements relate to major financial expenses – things that are often one-off affairs, like the purchase of a house or the management of exceptional income such as an inheritance. Conflict on this issue reflects the difficulties couples face not just in harmonising their budget philosophies, but also in prioritising their life plans and the funding those plans require.

Financial agreement conditions

Tensions here relate to the subject of joint vs separate accounts, the specifics of lending/borrowing money between partners, and agreements on financial support for family members. They illustrate the logistical complexity and emotional burden of successfully integrating individual financial choices into a couple’s life. The challenge here is to balance the role of the couple against the specific interests of both individuals that make up a couple.

Who’s paying?

Disputes over the distribution of financial responsibilities (contribution to rent, repayment of a loan, assumption of an unforeseen expense, etc.) are a regular occurrence in relationships. This topic highlights the importance of perceived fairness in the distribution of financial burdens in a relationship where the income of each partner can be very unequal.

Relative contributions

Similar to above, this topic covers disagreements that revolve around the perception of fairness when it comes to each partner’s overall contribution to the relationship. It includes conflicts over the balance between financial contributions – as well as other forms of contribution such as housework or childcare. The question of reciprocity and fairness in a relationship is clearly not limited to finances alone.

Even when they have been identified, these issues are not necessarily easy to bring up, because money matters can often be seen as taboo, even between a couple. But whether it is finances or any other issue affecting the smooth functioning of a relationship, it is vital to get to the heart of the matter and maintain an open dialogue in order to ease tensions between partners.

Resolving tensions in five key steps

Have you identified the real sources of financial tension undermining your relationship? Then it is time to draw up a plan of action. Prioritise communication, mutual understanding and transparency to regain or consolidate the trust that holds your relationship together.

Your priority must be the most honest communication possible. The goal is not to be right, but to find a way of working better together on money matters.

Prioritise communication

Your priority should be the most honest communication possible, through conversations aimed at responding to the worry, embarrassment, resentment or other unpleasant emotions that income disparity, selfishness or inequity can elicit. The goal is not to be right, but to find a way of working better together on money matters. Creating a climate of confidence when it comes to money matters and the setting of shared financial goals can significantly strengthen a relationship.

Make room for understanding regarding personal and mutual values

In order to find common ground within a couple, it is important to understand each other’s different beliefs and attitudes towards money – that means not just those of your partner, but also your own, which are sometimes the result of your upbringing without you even really being aware of it. We need to be able to talk about how each of us perceives money, the emotions it arouses and the way it is managed within the relationship. Quite often, the problem is not so much the expenditure itself as the values that underpin one’s spending habits. One spouse may be very sporty and devote a large budget to their hobbies, while the other, who is more of a homebody, finds such expenditure pointless and prefers to go out with friends or subscribe to streaming platforms that are of no interest to the former. Instead of pointing the finger at one another, what is important is that you understand your partner’s values and fears and allow them to express their preferences before finding common ground.

Establish a joint budget that is fair

Creating a joint budget encourages cooperation within a couple. This is often more difficult when there is a significant difference in income between partners. Will each partner pay the same amount? Should the amount be proportional to income? Will differing amounts have implications when it comes to making financial decisions together? How much financial independence will we both have? The answer to these questions is anything but trivial. The right balance needs to be struck to ensure nobody is left with a feeling of unfairness and injustice that could prove to be a source of tension in the future.

Take better account of non-monetary contributions

A large source of tension surrounding money stems from a lack of consideration for non-financial contributions within a relationship. A less well-paid partner can make a valuable contribution in other areas, e.g. bringing up children, doing household chores or preparing meals for the family. Recognising and taking account of these non-financial contributions helps to reduce feelings of inequity and the tensions that arise from them. More fundamentally, not everyone has the same opportunities, and nowhere does it say that a couple needs to contribute exactly the same to their relationship as each other, in one way or another. Beyond financial or non-financial contributions, finding the right balance also involves taking individual circumstances into account (health, obligations, stage of life, etc.). Instead of trying to achieve a 50-50 split at all costs, is it not fairer to ask more of those who have more to give (either physically, mentally, psychologically, materially, etc.)?

A real team effort

Managing a couple’s finances should be seen as a team effort, and it is not necessarily a good idea to allocate tasks (for example, one partner takes care of day-to-day expenses, while the other manages the couple’s savings). Separating roles can also lead to conflict, and it is often more constructive to make decisions together or to alternate roles to ensure both partners see the whole picture regarding the couple’s financial challenges. A couple is not in competition with one another; they are a team. To move forward as one, it is important to be able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

How do you view your relationship? As a partnership between two individuals, or as an entity in its own right that cannot be reduced to the sum of its parts?

Getting philosophical: what is a couple?

Finally, ask yourself what the term “couple” means to you. Is it a partnership between two individuals in which a shared way of life is negotiated, or an entity in its own right that cannot be reduced to the sum of its parts? With the former, financial conflicts will be caused primarily by tension between the personal interests of two individuals. With the latter, tension between personal interests and those of the couple will also be at the heart of most conflicts. The challenge is no longer simply to find common ground between two subjectivities, but rather to determine the extent to which each partner is prepared to allow the pursuit of their own personal interests to come second to the interests of this entity in its own right that we call “the couple”. In other words, should your relationship serve your personal fulfilment, or are you willing to put yourself at the service of your relationship’s fulfilment? To each their own, but to find your personal answer, you must first ask yourself the question!

There is no denying that money is often a source of tension within couples. But it does not have to be that way – you just need to talk to each other and make the effort to understand one other. A few heated yet open and constructive discussions are better than silence and frustration, which can be very damaging to a relationship in the long term.